I have been waiting for over 4 months to write a post. My thought was that when I am all better, and healed from my "illness" that I would write a post about the gifts in the illness, and the gratitude I have for all those that helped me. Well, its still here, this "illness". It has morphed and changed, and I am on my way but I'm not all the way there.
I came to realize that this may take longer than I thought, and that there is no point in any waiting, of any kind. This is where I am at, right now.
So here is my post. It is the Full Moon today. This full moon is a big one for a bunch of reasons, astrologically, and energetically. But that's not the point, if you are a alive right now, you already know this. You have probably felt "2012'ed" in your own life. You don't need any astrological info to know its nutso out there right now! The best approach is gratitude for any progress, however small it seems.
I am so very grateful for this illness. It has been an amazing and unrelenting teacher. Here is my list of GRATITUDE/ Good things to come from this crap bag.
In no particular order.
1) I am grateful to SLOW DOWN and BE
2) I am grateful for MY PARENTS, here and on the other side. My father, for unlimited veggies, and a certain casual optimism, OR quiet fatalism, we're not really sure...My mother on the other side, for her presence and strength.
3) I am grateful that I have the means and ACCESS to medical care
4) I am grateful for ALL my doctors, healers and therapsits who have given advice, medication and opinions.
5) Am grateful for my medications, in all thier forms, and the benefits that they will hopefully provide
6) I am grateful for the HOPE of my doctors, healers, and therapist that I can and will get better
7) I am grateful for my husband for his support, parenting, and constant reassurance.
8) I am grateful for my sister, for her example of faith, and trust, and a patient ear to my complaining.
9) I am grateful for my neighbors, the D family, who have provided unending support in the form of friendship, childcare, food and a shoulder.
10) I am grateful also to the O family for the support, friendship, childcare, and understanding.
11) I am grateful to my friend, MN who wisely showed up to tell me to get the F to a doctor! And her continuous support
12) I am grateful to my friend BK who knows too well where I am at and offers understanding, and rides to appointments.
13) I am grateful that I have a home, and a lovely family. Lovely friends, and access to medical care while I am on this path.
14) I am grateful for my teachers, here and there, who have given me some tools to cope with this as well as insight.
15) I am grateful that what I have can and will go away and at some point I will be normal again,
16) I am grateful that this will not kill me
17) I am grateful that I am better than I was a month ago
18) I am grateful that I was able to go to IKEA and walk around the block this week.
19) I am grateful for my Doctor, TW, who will help me navigate all these medications so that I can tolerate the treatment that will help me heal.
20) I am grateful that HG is coming in a few days to be here for a whole month. This will help me heal.
21) I am grateful for LD for his super strong belief in GOD and my ability to come out of this, and all the fish!
22) I am grateful for SA my special "assistant" for weeks who has listened to me, consoled me and did my errands. A true friend and wise woman.
23) I am grateful for the Tree people in my neighborhood who I spent alot of time looking at when i could not move my head.
24) I am grateful to the cats in the neighborhood who spent alot of time with me while i looked at the trees. Cats are content to sit and look at trees too.
Things I have gained from this experience and small and big accomplishments.
1) I finally lost those last 10 pounds, and my skinny jeans are too big!
2) Saved a bunch of money from lack of going out and on gas
3) Learned what a competent and awesome partner SG is!
4) Am being forced to learn to TRUST in the process of it all
5) Have new appreciation for the small things in life.
6) Can now move my head and bend over
7) Am up and moving most the day instead of being in bed all day.
8) Learned how strong I am, and still learning.
9) Learning now to LET IT GO
10) Learned that I really really am protected and guided at all times.
11) Learning to LISTEN, and WATCH instead of move.
12) Learned to receive
13) Learned how loved I am and how generous people can be.
14) Learned to to ask for help, and see that I don't have to do it all on my own.
I have been so blessed to have my family and friends during this time.
I cannot even begin to think how I could repay the kindness I have experienced. But all this gratitude and hopefulness does not heal me. I am still HERE, in this illness, trying to find a way to cope, worrying about my medication, will it work, when will it work, will I get better, when will I get better? Is this as good as it gets? Etc, etc.
I realize that this is the thick of it. The crisis point may be past, but now I have the slog.
The everyday process of recovery where nothing is certain, and a large dose of trust is needed. Not my strong suit. Until now. I will go forward, because, truly, what is my other option? I will cultivate trust through this process. I will have assistance and support, but really, I have to do this part alone, just me and Spirit.
Happy Full Moon, and blessing to all earth dwellers who are being slammed or watching ones they love be 2012'ed. May we all find the path of least resistance and walk tall out the other side.